Current location:	Westport, WI
Current mood:	loved
Entry tags:	pregnancy marriage life happiness baby f

In a Heartbeat
    Last night Lizz and I tried to listen to the baby's heartbeat for the first time.  We had received this little battery-powered fetal heart monitor from my mother who had received it from a patient a few weeks back and we had yet to find the courage to actually try and use it.
     We had been watching Out of Sight, a splendid film by Steven Soderbergh, starring George Clooney and Jenniffer Lopez from back before she became intolerable. There's this very touching and sensual sex scene where our heroes finally hook up (sorry to ruin it for those of you who haven't had a chance to see it since it's release in 1998) and it served as a perfect stopping point, so I turned off the TV and leaned over to kiss my wife good night.  Ya see, we do this--watch a movie over a long period of time in the bedroom. Twenty minutes here and there, when we get the chance....when we're not entranced by Seinfeld, or Craig Fergeson, or Scrubs...before getting sleepy in bed. It's usually something we've seen numerous times, and always on VHS. Traffic is another favorite.
    But anyway....I digress. I had leaned over to say goodnight, but lingered there for a while.  We'd had a really nice night together. it was quiet, we'd had one of our favorite take-out meals from the New Orleans place down toward the Isthmus...there was a positive vibe in the room, in the air, and in our bed. As I leaned in to press my ear upon her growing stomach, I suggested we try out that baby monitor we'd had sitting around for so long. After all, we're in the 16th week...and they say you can hear the heartbeat by the 10th week in some cases. and so...I crept out to the sunroom, gathered the monitor and an extra set of headphones on the way back and we pressed our ears to the rails, as they say. 
    Nothing. Well, nothing like we were hoping for, that is. Mostly the gastro-intestinal sounds that accompany a fine meal from the New Orleans place (damn, they have good fried chicken and dirty rice). We're weren't terribly dissapointed, however.  we'd expected very little from this contraption due to the warning from my mother, who's been an OB nurse for as long as I can remember.  Something tells me we can trust this woman--this woman who birhted and raised six healthy and wonderful children, and who also has helped to birth and care for countless other children over the years.  Yes, something tells me that she might know what she's talking about. We had prepared for nothing....and this is what we got.
    BUT....that doesn't mean that this wasn't one of the most touching moments of my life. Funny how that is, isn't it? The seemingly simple and even ultimately unsatisfactory events that permeate our lives on a daily basis sometimes seep through and become the glue that holds it all together.  Those "good old days" that you glance back upon with such reverence through gold-tinted wine-soaked pupils rarely held in their time the extreme and mind-bending power as they wield today. Revisionism aside, it's clear that some moments need to merely plant roots.  They need to flower and seed other moments in order to be truly appreciated for what they are, and how they've affected you.
    This was NOT one of those moments. This was immediacy. The moment we gave up on the heartbeat and settled into just KNOWING that there was a baby in there....that it was rolling around, changing, growing, with each cell and system building upon itself exponentially...WITHOUT audible proof, we each sighed. I believe we had all--Lizz, baby & I--truly bonded for one of the first times.
    It's interesting sometimes.  We've been pregnant for 16 weeks now, and there are these frequent moments of ridiculous cliched madness (that I love, mind you) that spring up and smack you in the face and simply remind you that you're about to become a father. Built from years upon years of television and movies, these situations remind me of Hugh Grant films and countless other comedies where the husband, or father-to-be, feels utterly helpless and inept and completely incapable of actually completing this seemingly insurmountable task that is the voyage to fatherhood.
    Sure, the woman can handle it...she's been thinking about this a LOT more than I have.....hasn't she? We men know how to impregnate. Yep, we're damn good at that.  It's all the rest of it that doesn't really get considered along the way. and then WHAM! There it is. It's confusing, frightening....and hilarious. Danger lurks around every corner. Say this, don't say that.  Do this, don't do that. Be a good husband, be a good father. Provide, nourish, support. Ask questions, don't ask too many questions. Just be there.
    It's all very interesting. It's all very complicated. It's some of the best discoveries and experiences life will offer me. This journey will change me, hopefully for the better. This journey will teach me, perhaps even turn me into a teacher. This journey will BE me, hopefully for a lifetime. I'm glad to be here.  I'm glad to have such a wonderful partner though it all.  She's strong, smart, and sexy....and she's having our baby.
    My wife and I tried to listen to our baby's heartbeat for the first time last night. It was one of the best moments of my life.
~ryan